I bit the bullet yesterday and attempted to talk to my sister about my feelings and about our relationship. It went about as well as I expected but I guess I can say I tried.
The end results are that of course I didn’t say everything exactly perfect as per my therapy but I did try. I left the conversation feeling shell shocked and unheard. By the time she got done twisting everything I said and making me the scapegoat of everything, I felt like I really was the only one who was the issue. Talk about dragging up old feelings of inadequacy and how I’m always the one who is at fault.
I spent the night and today thinking about everything I said and just kicking myself for even trying. I thought about how I could have just continued to avoid the how conversation or how I could maybe have worded things a little better. I know in my head I did what I could and no I wasn’t perfect with getting it all right but I did try. And I also know I’m not always at fault. That being said, in my heart I just felt like the little girl who is always wrong and fucks up everything in the family.
Even the simple telling her about how her bitchy comment about how my hubby and I didn’t care about looking fashionable, was my fault. First of all, I made it up cause she would never say anything like that because she never says mean comments to anyone. When that didn’t work, it was that I must have misunderstood because she would never say anything mean like that and in fact she actually envied that we didn’t always have to look perfect. Finally, the last part was that I was oversensitive and take everything she says wrong. Hmmm, can we say avoidance of accepting responsibility and making me out to be the scapegoat of her own bad behavior?
Well the rest of the conversation went the same way. My sister will never admit she is wrong about anything. I’ve seen her stay up all night in the attempts to prove someone wrong and I have never once heard her take responsibility for anything, even her own spending habits. Someone else is always to blame.
She even constantly goes so far all the time to remind me that the only reason she is living back home and her life is fucked is because she moved back for me. Strange but I remember her being in a bad time in her life and she moved back home for the support. And yes, I left later on. Mainly to get away from my abusive ex who was threatening to kill me but I guess that’s not a good enough reason to move. But she didn’t move back because of me and yet I ruined her life because she’s back there.
So, I know I’m sitting here feeling guilty and shouldn’t be. It’s a badly ingrained habit from growing up as the one who was to blame for everything in our family. Let’s not forget my parents have never let me forget I’m the reason they had to get married. But anyway, I know I’m having a pity party right now.
I’ve put so much effort into working on myself and changing those nasty bad habits and to become a better person and somehow I continue to let what my sister and family believe and think affect me. I know it’s wrong but I just wish one day I could do something right by them. I know it’s a daydream that’ll never come true but I guess a girl can dream. I also know I really shouldn’t care what other’s think but somehow I think it’s part of being human. I do care, as much as I tell myself I don’t, I do.
So now I’m searching for ways to continue my shallow relationship with my sister. I was hoping for more and I guess that’s why I’m so bummed out about it. I was hoping she had matured enough for us to have a good conversation and something good come from it but it didn’t and I shouldn’t be surprised cause that’s the way it was with all my family. I don’t want to lose her as I have the rest of them but the truth is, it was done a long time ago.
As it is I’ll continue being there for her and things will continue as they have but I’ll try to find a way to stop the hurt. I can say I’ve done the best I can and move on from it. I’m not trying to change her just was hoping to make our relationship a little more two-wayed instead of so one-sided. Now I know that can’t happen.
I think I’m off to have a little cry or get mad and beat up a pillow. I don’t know which at this point. It’s just another pain of loss at the callous treatment by a family member.