Angry


I’m angry!

There I said it.  I’m admitting to the world that I’m angry.

You might wonder why I’m angry and whether or not I have a right to be.  But does it really matter?  All that matters is that I’m angry.  It’s my feelings and I’m entitled to them.

I’m angry at my parents for not being good parents.  I’ve dealt with the loss of them for several years now and while it has gotten easier, it does come and go.  I have good days and bad days.

It would probably be easier if they were dead but instead I’ve lost them because I refuse to conform to the abuse and neglect they imposed on me for all my life.  My mom spent a great deal of my life abusing me physically and mentally and I remind my dad of the fact that my mom and him got married because she got pregnant with me.  Yes, he’s told me that! So he pushes me out of his life every time he remarries another woman (there’s been two since my mom).

My family, including my brother and two other sisters (I do have one sister left who still is family) also chose to keep my abusive ex-husband in their lives and it was something else I couldn’t deal with because I had to worry about him being around if I went home to see any of them.  It’s why I’ve ended up living 2,500 miles away from my home, so that I feel safe from anymore abuse from him.

Yes, I grew up with a fucked up life and ended up in a fucked up first marriage.  I don’t blame anyone except myself.  I just didn’t know any better because it was what I was used to.  I got out when I realized it wasn’t normal and realized I really did deserve better for myself despite what they all told me.

I went out into the world and have worked hard with therapists to learn what is right and wrong in relationships and to deal with all the abuse.  The strange thing is that my current husband, who is a wonderful addition to my life, has dealt with a life of being neglected and scapegoated by his family as well.

Recently he started dealing with his dad on the issues and trying to have a better relationship with him that’s healthy and not neglectful or abusive.  His dad refuses to accept any responsibility for anything and even tells my husband his feelings are wrong and he should just suck it up.  All of it has stirred up my feelings about my family and the anger is back.

My husband is adopted.  His parents chose to go out and pick out a child.  They didn’t have to have one, so what gives them a right to think they have the right to neglect, abuse or treat their child wrong?  I don’t understand!  Did they just pick out a child to make themselves look better?

My parents didn’t have to keep me, they could have moved on, put me up for adoption and not got married.  Where does any parent think it’s right to put that on a child, that it’s his or her fault for being born or for existing?

I’m angry because my husband has to go through with all this.  I’m angry because I lost my parents to stupidity and I’m angry because he is going through the same thing.  It just makes me so mad.  I don’t understand what makes anyone think they have the right to treat other human beings badly, especially their children.

Parents are supposed to love, protect and raise their children in a loving home.  Yes, it might not be perfect, no one or nothing is, but it’s not that hard to love someone and care for them.  And if you can’t do it, then don’t have children or give them to someone who can.

It’s not right to abuse them through physical violence, mental, orally, sexually, neglectful or any other harmful manner.  You’re supposed to love and care for them and show them how to live well so the child grows up to be a functional adult with the skills of knowing how to love and be loved.

Yes, I’m angry but I’m dealing with it.  I see a therapist and go about dealing with it in a healthy manner.  I don’t abuse others to get out my anger and sometimes I just want to scream from the frustration of it all and sometimes I do scream.  Sometimes I cry from the pain and anger and sometimes I try to ignore it.

But the fact remains, I lost my parents and family to abuse and there’s nothing I can do to change it because they are unwilling to accept the responsibility of it and try to move forward out of the shadows into the light of something healthy.  Instead, they would rather lose me and continue to stay the same.  It appears my husband is in the same boat.

It just makes me angry!

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