I miss you so much. I miss our talks and getting to tell you the good things going on in my life and of course sometimes the bad. I wish you were part of those good things. I wish you could read my blogs and hear about how well school is going and get to know my husband, whom I love dearly. I guess that what’s the saddest part about all this, is that while many people are probably writing letters like this to people who are dead, you are alive and well and not part of my life because you would rather ignore me than deal with any of the unpleasant parts of our lives.
It doesn’t make those things go away Dad. They are all still there but I guess as long as I’m not around, you don’t have to be reminded on them and can still pretend they didn’t happen. I never would have thought you would stop talking to me just because I asked you about some of the abuse from growing up and is still going on in our family. I’ve lost all my family and my home except for my sister because I don’t want to keep sweeping everything under the rug anymore and pretending it all didn’t happen. It did happen and it’s still happening. I get angry when my sister tells me that I’m still the butt of ugly negative talk and lies when I haven’t even talked to anyone from home in three years. It amazes me that you guys can’t let go and just want to continue living your lives hurting other people. And then I just wonder what I did to deserve all that anger and ugliness from you guys. I thought I was a good daughter and sister to all of you.
It made me so angry that you sent me a Christmas card, announcing that you had gotten married and never told me. It also made me angry that you sent that card and never called or sent me a card when I had my surgery for cancer. My sister told me that the family was saying that I didn’t have cancer and was just saying it to get attention. It made me really sad, especially since I didn’t call or tell anyone except her about it and let her tell you guys because the doctor said you all needed to get checked to make sure you didn’t have it because your chances all went up. It made me wish I had never told any of you.
Then you tried to get my new address from my sister and my husband to attempt to send me a birthday card after that. You’ve had my phone number, you could have called. It makes me angry that you want to send birthday and Christmas cards to ease your guilt but you don’t try to contact me about the important stuff. The important stuff was the two surgeries I’ve gone through and that I got married and you weren’t there to give me away. The important stuff is that I can’t come home because it’s not safe because you guys are keeping my abusive ex-husband in your lives and my little sister has some serious mental issues and everyone wants to say it’s me and my sister who have the problem. She’s going to seriously hurt someone one day and you guys are going to be responsible because you ignored it. It also makes me angry that you aren’t protecting my sister from all the same hurt and harm as well.
It all makes me hate you sometimes, Dad. But then I’m out and I see something that I know you would have liked to have heard about and I get sad again and I miss you. I always looked up to you because it always seemed like you did the right thing, but guess its different when it’s your family then it is with other people. I learned my sense of right and wrong from you, I learned how to be strong and figure out how to get things done. I learned to be honest and not lie about things from you, to always tell the truth. I learned to stand up for the underdog and protect those who need it. I got all those things from you.
I also got a lot of sadness and hurt from you as well. I always thought Dad’s stood up for their daughters and protected them. I always thought you would be there and I could pick up the phone anytime and call you to talk. I always thought you would be there to love me the way I love you.