Why does it always seem the ones who love us the most are also the ones who hurt us the most?
It seems like these people should be the last people who would do anything in the world to hurt us. Like they would do everything in their power to keep us from being hurt and yet we are often less harmed by complete strangers. We are supposed to be able to not let it sink in and realize that words are only just that…words. I know physical harm is always painful and yet it seems the damage caused by words leave so much deeper scars than the physical damage unless the physical harm was also caused intentionally by those who claim to love us.
When you combine the amount of physical harm and harmful words I have experienced throughout my life, sometimes its a wonder to myself that I function as well as I do. Therapy for two years and still I have nightmares. Even with all the healing I have worked through myself I am beginning to doubt if I will ever be free of all the pain. I know scars are permanent attachments to our body, soul, and brain but with everything I have read and heard it is supposedly possible to retrain and learn to rethink it all for a new life. I find myself doing okay for a while then something happens and I slide back into those old patterns, easily forgetting the new for a time.
Right now I am having a complete loss of faith in myself to be able to conquer the scars and all the pain. I find myself slipping back into my box. The box was always safer, at least I did not have to feel all the pain. It was there and real but when I am in my head and not in my body, present to it all, it hurt but not as bad. I am afraid that I am too scarred to ever be of use to anyone, to ever really be a true partner who can love and trust without freaking out over actions that seem to be like those of the past. I have learned to let go but those bad actions from the past seem to continue to haunt me when they show up. I just want to be free to live and love without all the past coming up over little things. I want to be okay but I am not sure that is even possible. I want to be me and for the ones around me to love me for that and allow me to be me without hurting me physically or with words. I just want to be loved and accepted even with my huge flaws. I want to know that I can be okay in relationships with friends and my partner without feeling like I need to runaway to be okay. I want to know if any of this is even possible or am I just dreaming.