I wonder why we find it so hard as humans to break old habits and ways of thinking. It seems like just when I think I have an old way of thinking changed with a new one, something stressful happens and I slip backwards. Someone told me that improving upon one’s self is a constant give and take to continue to move forward. Some days you slip a little but then you recover and move forward better than before. I hope that person is right because sometimes it seems like I can never get completely away from the ingrained insecurities and ways of thinking I have from growing up in a dysfunctional family and having a couple of dysfunctional relationships.
I have worked hard to change myself into a more positive thinker, to retrain my brain not to constantly look for someone to do something stupid that will hurt me. I think the hardest part of it is staying in a relationship where your partner hurt you beyond your threshold levels and re-learning to trust that person again. Some say it will never happen and I should have given up on it, others say it is possible if both are willing to do what it takes. I like to believe in the best but sometimes I wonder as well, it is just how my brain operates. Can two people really ever have a full and trusting relationship again when the trust was broken beyond belief? Or for both of us has there just been too much pain in our lives with people hurting and using us to every fully trust another person again?
A year ago I could not have said this about myself because I was so screwed up in the head, I was and still am at times my own worst critic from growing up with a family who constantly found things wrong with me and what I did, never loving and assuring. But now I know I deserve a fully loving, trusting, and respectful relationship. One that honors me, the two of us, and him as the people we are together but also separately. I know I deserve that, I have treated others well and given them the things I want in return. I deserve it and I am going to have it because I am a decent person and I have a lot to share with someone. I give my best and I want nothing but the best in return because it is what I deserve.