I do not know why this is so hard for me to admit. I think it comes from being raised that things like depression are not real problems and should be ignored. We were to continue pushing right on through them and keep going. If we did, the problems would go away eventually. It makes it hard now, even for me to admit issues like that to myself much less say them to other people. Plus after the year I have had, should not things be looking up?
I feel like I have lost my way now. I have gotten off my path of moving forward and am stuck for a moment. I should be happy. I just got married to am awesome man, who I love very much. I’m recovering from cancer, which is great news. I am working towards a new career path, one that will hopefully allow me to have my dream job of being able to work from anywhere in the world. We are staying in Colorado with our friends and family. So why do I feel so out of it and tired all the time?
I am trying so hard to pull myself out of it but I think the year has just finally caught up with me and I need to except that maybe I am not going to be so cheerful for a bit while I deal with all the issues from the year. My sister being here brought up a great deal of issues but they are not the only ones bothering me. I found myself crying yesterday and this morning over the loss of my family and the cancer. I know it is in submission now but the healing process has gone on for so long and I am tired now. Sometimes it is all I can do to drag myself out of bed in the mornings and put on a happy face for the world. I am upset I have put on so much weight this year but at the same time, I do not have the motivation now to try to change it. I get out and walk but I know inside it is just a half-hearted attempt where I am trying to fake my way through to feeling better. I see my home is dirty and yet I have no real motivation to clean it and cooking, which I love, I just go through the motions. I am working on school and keeping my grades up but once again it is a struggle to get it all done along with my work. I feel like I need to be contributing more to our household income and relationship but do not even know if I could or how right this minute.
I do not know what to do. I need help but I do not know what I need so how do I get help? I want to be happy, I love what and who is in my life. I just need myself to be happy. I am so tired of the pain, I just want it to go away so things can be normal. I am trying to tough it out and keep plugging through but sometimes I wonder if I am making it up cause it never seems to stop and go away. How long is pain like this supposed to last? Why can’t I just be happy? I want to be so much. I want the me back that is happy, relaxed, and in love with life and all that is in it. I just want that person back.