I work daily to conquer my fears. I realize that most of them are just the stuff made up in my head based on past experiences. It is amazing how fear can paralyze us sometimes. Sometimes I am afraid and back away from talking to people or continuing friendships because I am afraid that they are just going to end up hating me, hurting me, or leaving me and I won’t know why they made the decision. The reason that I feel this fear is because way too many times in my life, people have just stopped talking to me, said a bunch of mean and untrue things behind my back, and never talked to me about what was going on. When I would try to find out, no one would respond and tell me anything. Now because of all that pain of not knowing what happened and why people went so mean, it is sometimes easier for me to just not let anyone in. That way I don’t have to worry about getting hurt. This is so unlike me, I used to be able to talk to anyone and not be afraid.
Another fear that grips me a lot, is one that again is based out of things from the past as well. My ex-husband used to tell me that I was so ugly that he didn’t want to have sex with me or find me sexy in any way because I was too fat and ugly. I’ve put on some weight in my current relationship and I constantly worry about this fear again. That I am so ugly and overweight that he doesn’t find me sexy or want me anymore. I constantly feel like I am not good enough because my looks are not good enough. I’m one of those people who hates that society has made women feel so bad about themselves because we do not look like supermodels. It’s sad that it is such a crippling fear for me because I do realize that I have so much more to me than looks, but it still grips me. I almost had this fear under control and gone but its back full force, once again.
I am afraid that I am going to end up alone in the world because something that I do seems to drive people away and I don’t understand why. I have analyzed certain situations that have happened from every view-point and I do not understand why a lot of them happened. It seems that people just really do not want good people around them, or if you aren’t trying to screw them, are just looking for friendship and acceptance. Or maybe I’m just not a good person. Maybe I am just a fraud to myself. Sometimes I am so torn and conflicted because I am the common denominator so how can it not be me? My logical mind tells me that it must be me and as smart as I am, I cannot figure out why. What is it that I do wrong? I don’t want to end up the crazy cat lady (well with too many dogs, not cats) all alone with no one that cares to be around her. No friends, no family (people who love you it doesn’t have to be blood), or anyone. Just me, all alone.
Sometimes I feel that it would be easier to go somewhere else and start over, that maybe I could conquer all these fears if no one knew me. I could pretend that they weren’t there because no one would know. But I know that I need to stay and fight for myself. The only way to conquer my fears is to not run away and stay and face them. I am a strong woman who is worth something. Somehow I have to get myself to believe that or no one else is ever going to believe it about me. I need to believe that I am a beautiful woman who can compete with anyone out there, that I am priceless, and surround myself with people who do not tear me down but instead help to build me up. It’s so important to me to think of myself as beautiful whether no one else sees it or not so that I can stand up and be successful. I need this confidence back so that I can stand up and face the world with me and my art. It’s time for the world to get to know the real me and hopefully love me.