The Ugly Duckling

It’s hard always being the ugly duckling.  I grew up with four younger sisters and a brother, that everyone always said were prettier than me.  My Mom spent a good bit of time telling me that they were all prettier and I was going to have to settle for someone on the ugly side to be with anyone.  I got picked on like crazy in school cause of my red hair, crooked teeth, and freckles.  Later in life it was the freckles, crooked teeth, and the weight I had put on after an accident.  My stress levels shot up so high after that accident and I just kept packing on the weight even with dieting and exercise.  My husband then (ex, now) would pick on me about my weight, telling me how could anyone ever want to be with someone like me.  I was just plain ugly and not sexy at all.  In fact it turned him off just trying to have sex with me in the light.  I finally got away from all that and started learning that maybe I was a decent looking girl.  I felt pretty!  I met a guy who seem to love my body and my looks.  He would roll over in bed in the mornings and say “Good morning, Beautiful.”  He seemed always proud to show me off to his friends.  And then I hurt my ankle this summer and was stressed like crazy.  I packed on some weight again, not as bad as the first time and I’m working to get it back off.  But anyway, the guy who seemed to like me for who I was and not be bothered by the fact I wasn’t perfect, let the cat out of the bag.  He didn’t really find me all that pretty, in fact I was an experiment he was trying outside of his comfort zone to date.  He feels that he is in a class so high above me in looks that we aren’t even close.  He says that he loves me anyway but I’m not at his level.  It hurts.  I thought that I finally had someone who believed that I was beautiful even if I wasn’t perfect.  Instead all those years of being told growing up that I wasn’t pretty enough to be with someone and being in a marriage that felt the same way came rushing back.  Here was another person who was supposed to love me and care for me, telling me that I’m just the ugly duckling compared to everyone else.  It’s strange to me cause if I’m so ugly then why do I keep getting all these guys who are attractive and think they are so high up the food chain on looks?  I guess that is what keeps confusing me.  My ex wasn’t ugly and neither is this guy now, I have dated a couple of guys who weren’t so attractive just because I liked their personalities, but the majority of the men I have dated, married, or gone out with for a while have been very attractive.  So why is a girl like me attracting these men if I’m so ugly?  Maybe the answer lies in the fact that I don’t keep any of them.  But that is usually because I broke up with most of them, several it was the other way around, but not that many.  I’m trying hard  to be okay this time but it does hurt so much to be told that and then look at this guy everyday, knowing that he thinks that way.  It hurts knowing that the person that I actually fell in love with thinks that I’m the ugly duckling.  I know I’m not supermodel material but I do think that I’m a pretty girl and I feel like it when people aren’t dragging me down saying that I’m not.  I’m working to get my self-esteem to where it doesn’t bother me when people say stuff like that but it’s hard after living so many years being told that I’m not pretty.  It’s so easy to let the rejection  get to me because of it.  I am a pretty girl and I have more to me then just looks, that is better than just having the looks department only.  I try to be a good person to others, do good, I’m smart, a freak in the bed (not that anyone ever takes advantage of that), can do anything I set my mind on, and enjoy plenty of things.  I’m passionate, fun, and take care of the people around me.  So why is that no one appreciates me for being a beautiful person and always call me the ugly duckling?  The only thing valued in this world are supermodel looks.  Everyone misses the beautiful women who have the looks and everything to go with them.


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