Not Because I Have To


Letting the urge for control of what is going on around me is a struggle for me.  I have these thoughts in my head all the time that I have to answers somewhere to fix things.  The truth is that I have a hard time fixing things for myself but if I can keep my focus on other people or things, I do not have to focus on myself so hard.  Focusing completely on myself makes me feel selfish.  I know that is crazy but I was taught that to think more of one’s self is selfish and that I am supposed to keep that focus on others.  The hardest part of all this is saying no to others when they want or need something done.

Yesterday was a hard day for me.  My creative side does not come out unless I am happy.  Well someone was pushing me to get to work on some projects that I have worked on.  I’ve been halted on them for a bit now and I am learning that it is ok not to push myself when I am not in the mindset.  It was very hard for me to say no, it brought up those feelings inside me that I should be doing this now.  I have spent so many years trying to continue pushing myself for others that I just cannot do it now.  I need to be able to do things because I want to, not because I have to.  There is so much in life that we have to do because “we have to.”  These projects are something I have done because I want to and I do not want them to become forced so that I resent them.  I love what I am dong now and just because it does not always come when I or someone else wants it to, that love will show through with time and patience.

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