My Struggles

Each day is a struggle to keep the knowledge in my head that I am what is right with the world.  I fight to keep the voices that tell me I am not… quiet.  I miss the great relationship that I had for a brief moment in time, the short time that I felt the world was right and had excepted me.  It felt like it was finally safe to show the world the real me.  I treasure the time I had, the feeling of being safe, it gave me the confidence to let people in.  For once in my life I actually let people in, without hiding who I really was.  What an awesome feeling. Moving to Colorado was one of the best decisions that I have made in my life.  It allowed me to move to a place where I was no longer hampered by my family and the life that had stifled me for so long.  My soul came alive, the World was so vibrant, life was good.  I’ve spent a lot of alone time in my life, not feeling wanted by anyone.  And then I met someone who made me feel wanted, loved, and excepted as me for the first time in my life.  This relationship helped to release the most wonderful creative energy, my photography and writing blossomed. Even though he didn’t always understand me, he still encouraged me to be me, didn’t try to force me back into a box. And then the door shut!   I got hurt again because I did not recognize the signs of people being dishonest.  I got so caught up in the feelings of living and how awesome it was.  Now I know what I want out of life, I want to find and keep that feeling of being alive.  I struggle daily with working to keep it alive and not let the meanness of the world kill it.  There is much good in this world and I am searching for it, just like I am searching for my soul and to get to know me.  I have hope that I will have that awesome partner again one day soon and in the meantime I am working to make myself whole and alive.


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